Smile A While

Smile a while… :-D

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
CANADIANS: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET, WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Telephone Call

A traveler decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "`10,000 per call".

The traveler, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for `10,000 you could talk to God.

The traveler thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in china and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for`10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the traveler.

He then traveled to Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Russia, Germany and France. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "`10,000 per call" sign under it.

The traveler, upon leaving decided to travel to up to India to see if Indians had the same phone.

He arrived in Kerala, the southern state in India, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One Rupee per call."

The traveler was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the countries I have visited the price was `10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered,

"Son, you're in God's own country now, it's a local call"

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932 - The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. "The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37." "And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked. "Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."


Four hightech sardar inventions: -Waterproof towel -Solar powered torch -Book on how to read -Pedal powered wheel chair.


Avtar and Kartar used to stay in same building. Avtar on the ground floor and Kartar on the 25th floor. One day when the lift was not working, Kartar invited Avtar for a Dinner. Avtar trudged up to 25th floor to find Kartar's flat closed from outside and had a note which read: ' How did you enjoy your dinner? ' Not to be outdone , Avtar wrote under it , ' Sorry , I could not make it.'

An Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad, saying:

Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son,
Nasser

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

My dear loving son,
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love,
your Dad

An invisible man is here to see you

Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.

Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.
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Life After Death

A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"

"Yes, sir," replied the new employee.

"I thought you would," said the boss. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

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Air traffic controller:
"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
Airline pilot: "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Air Traffic controller: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?"

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To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: 'To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and ` 2 crores.' The lawyer continued, 'To my daughter Priya, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and ` 1 crores.' The lawyer concluded, 'And, to my cousin Karan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will. Well you are wrong. Hi Karan!'

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A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life.
The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl"
"But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says.
"Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother.
"But I'm not an American," the man says.
"What are you then?" asks the mother.
"I'm an Iranian," the man says.
The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:
Islamic Extremist kills American Dog.

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Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.”

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The Pessimist sees darkness, The Optimist sees light,
The Realist sees the coming train!
The Train driver sees 3 men sitting on the rails tracks

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A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.

The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

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Accident took place. Crowd gathered. Santa reporter couldnt get in. Clever Santa cried “Mera bapu” Crowd made way for him but it was a donkeys accident.

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Sardar Santa is the english teacher in a school. He is very well known as all his students do very well in exams.
the classroom :

Santa : "Bolo bachchon GADHA"
Students (in chorus) : "GADHA "

Santa : "Bolo bachchon GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHHE GADHA"
Students (in chorus) : "GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHHE GADHA "

Santa : "Bolo bachchon GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAIN"

Students (in chorus) : "GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAIN"

Santa : "Bolo bachchon GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHHE GADHA, GADHE KE PWECHHE MAIN AUR MERE PEECHHE SAARA DESH "

Students (in chorus) : "GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHHE GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHHE MAIN AUR MERE PEECHHE SAARA DESH"

By this time the inspector is furious . He confronts the principal and shouts at him "What is this Santa teaching the
students. He is supposed to be taking an english class and what he is saying is GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHHE GADHA, GADHE KE
PEECHHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH .

The principle too is shocked , Santa the famous english teacher doing this. He immediately sends for for Santa.

Principal : " Santa ji what nonsense are you telling these students, GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHHE GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHHE
MAIN AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH".

Santa : " Yes I was saying all this in class, but I was only teaching the students the spellings of ASSASSINATION. "

ASS ASS I Nation

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There was a man who was in a horrible accident and injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this unusual handicap, he was very self-conscious about having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided he now had the means to own a business. He went out and purchased a small but expanding computer firm. However, he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He liked the guy. His last question for this candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw the second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."

Surprised, the asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"

The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"

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Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den... He is supposed to count upto 100... and then start searching... Everyone starts hiding except Newton... Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein. Einstein's counting 1,2,3...... 97, 98, 99..... 100... ..... He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front... Einstein says "newton's out..newton's out..." Newton denies and says "I am not out.. I am not Newton..." All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton. Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared..... That makes me Newton per meter squared.... since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is OUT.......!

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct 95. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

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Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!" a heavily accented voice said, "This is Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala, Punjab. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!"
"Well, Gurmukh," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news!
How big is your army"
"Right now," said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbour Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Arrey O! Main kya.. " Said Gurmukh. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.
"Mr. Hussein, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, and the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Oh teri ...." said Gurmukh. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.
"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne...... We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school pass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Tera pala hove...." said Gurmuk, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.
"Kiddan, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart."
"Well," said Gurmukh, "we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of wars!"

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A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman:
- Do you have any bananas?
- No,I don't. ( says the barman)
- Do you have any bananas? (asks the monkey)
- No,I have not got any bananas!!!
- Do you have any bananas?
- If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter!!!
- Do you have any nails?
- No,I don't.
- Do you have any bananas?

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure, In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant, In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant, In Europe they didn't know hat 'shortage' meant, In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant, In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant, And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

Teacher: What are the people of Turkey called?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: They are called Turks, now What are the people of Germany called?
Student: They are called Germs.

Two snakes are talking.

One of them turns to the other and asks, "Are we venomous?"
The other replays, "Yes,why?..."
"I just bit ma lip."

Father: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice"
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"

Next - Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
This is how business is done!!

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Santa and Banta decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Banta gets called in for his interview.The boss asks Banta if he had worked underground mines before? Banta says that he had.The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked?Banta says, “Oh, about 8 to 10 feet.”The boss says, “Mines are a lot deeper than that, get out of here - you’re no miner!”On his way out, Banta tells Santa to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job. Santa gets called in.The boss asks Santa if he had worked underground mines before?Santa says, “Oh sure.”The boss asks how deep underground he worked.Santa says, “I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground. “The boss says, “20,000 feet, Wow! That is incredible!, “What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground? “Santa says, “Oh, I didn’t need a light, I worked on the day shift!”

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